my man?

so yes it has been a long time since i have updated my blog... life is crazy and i am loving it. god it turely amazing and at the moment in my life where i was feeling as i could not go on he picked me up and gave me a kick in the rear. here is how he opened a can...!

since i have moved back from ohio i was starting to feel worthless in its self... things didnt seem right and satan was really working on me. my pride got me down and i continued to tell myself that i didnt deserve to feel the way that i felt... well i quickly realized that i dont deserve anything in this world. just when i thought i wouldnt get back on my feet god made me understand why he had taken me through the storm.... it was so i could get to the rainbow.

since i had been home i started to sub in the school system again... well i went into abraham lincoln elementary on a friday to sub and when i got home the assistant principal called me and asked if i would come in for an interview on monday. the interview was for an special education instructional aide posistion. i of course agreed to come in and interview. wowza! the interview was totally ordained by god... they told me that they were interested in me because of my ministry experiance! wow in a secular school! they then offered me the job in the interview!... i didnt just want to take it so i told them that i would tell them in a week. i went in the next day to observe the classroom and the assistant principal told me that he had decided to hold the job for me until i could let them know... he then told me that he was going to post it that day but he felt as if he shouldnt because they really wanted me... wow! someone wanted me that bad! i too found out that day that all of the ladies that i would be working with are all christians! needless to say i HAD to take the job... so i have been there for almost 2 months... the teachers are great... the kids are great and god is better!

i am back on my feet... now where is my man?

...Radio Flyer...

...So I had a massive blast from the past this week. Oddly enough through facebook! lol... Now I know that I just posted a blog about facebook... yada yada yada. I am always kinda dumb founded when people find me on there from years ago!... Someone from a past relationship got in contact with me... craziest thing and really don't need to go into much detail. Well I haven't talked to him in over 5 years!... I have always thought about him and could never seem to really get him out of my mind. All so interesting and still trying to piece it all together. Needless to say he says he is doing well... but I really felt as if he wasn't and I heard contentment in his IM chats. Oh yes how could one "hear" through an IM chat... I could just hear his voice through his words. Unbelievable to me that he was on the other end of the chat line. I guess it may only seem crazy to me because of the situation. It has made me wonder why he has chosen to get a hold of me... I thought that I was basically a thought of the past... to never be in contact with him again. Funny how things happen the way that they do. Even though things seems strange right now I know that they will work out in the end. I just want to be used as God so chooses to use me in this situation.

Cha Ching!

...facebook frenzy...

oh facebook...

at first facebook was fun and i loved to be nosey... but now i feel so burnt out... here is my question... why live life through facebook?... i have never really liked internet communication ever... and it seems as if people are on facebook ALL the time... how can one person sit on facebook so much. there are only so many times that you can look at ones pics, play so many games and how many times can you really farm in farm land or farmville... whatever it is called. basically i feel that time is wasted... what if the world spent this much time actually face to face with their friends instead of living through facebook... wow would relationships be stronger or what?! ...

just my two cents take it or leave it...

...if we only realized...

This is a true story... I have chosen to protect the real names of those people involved... for now the girls name is Lucy and the birds name is Charlie.

This is a story of hope, a story of understanding and most importantly a story of faith...

Lucy lived on a farm and one day she heard this bird out in the back trying to chirp...but there was barely any noise coming from the bird. Lucy's heart breaks for any animal who sufferes and she couldn't let this bird die. Lucy's family owns two dogs and she knew that if the bird had tried to get away that the dogs would attack the bird instantly. Lucy doing all that she knew to do put the dogs up and ran to the store to pic up a bird cage and food. She ran into the store and grabbed the only cage that they had... (which just so happened to be $30) along with a big bag of bird seed. Lucy rushed home and ran to the backyard to grab the bird in hopes to save its life. The bird grew very tired and scared. After a long attempt to grab the bird Lucy finally caught the bird and held it in her arms. She then took the bird and put it into the cage along with water and bird seed. This poor bird wouldn't eat or drink. Lucy begged the bird to just eat and that she was there to protect it and give in the nurture the it needed. This bird was slowly dieing so Lucy decided to give it a name "Charlie." Lucy then sang to the bird... silly as it may seem Lucy's love for this bird was unconditional. It grew late at night as the sun had already went down... Lucy left the light on for the bird. When Lucy came back in the morning the bird was dead. IF Charlie would have just understood that Lucy was trying to bring him back to life.

IF WE ONLY REALIZED... that this is the love that God has for each of us... if we could only come to the realization that HE has OUR best interest in mind... IF ONLY...

Left Wanting More...

As each day passes by I am left wanting more. I am left wanting more out of my day and out of my life.

• As many of you know I have moved back home. Things are weird and different.
• I still havnt't found a job and this economy stinks!
• Sometimes I feel as if I don't have friends here. One of my closest friends is back in town from school which has been a huge blessing.
• Right now I am going through a pit... kind of a pit of depression and I feel myself slipping each and every day.
• Leaning on Jesus seriously is the only thing that I feel is keeping me going.
• I want to get on with my life...

Things are so difficult for me right now and I can't explain the way that I feel. Lately at church Pastor has been talking about surrendering. Since I have been living back at home my life has been turned upside down... and it is difficult to deal with. At times I don't feel like I am enough. It hurts and I would like to see a light at the end of this loooooonnnngggg drawwwwwwnnnn out tunnel. I know that there are things in my life that I need to surrender fully to Jesus but the more that I try the harder it gets... I need to make changes in my life and I am continually beating myself up because of it. I need strength, faith and restoration. I need to be restored...

and still I am left wanting more...

a time for every purpose under heaven...

to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven

ecclesiastes 3:1

the beauty in the way God designed the four seasons is that, though each one is distinct, they all work together to bring life and growth. spring is a period of freshness and new life. summer sees growth and productivity. autumn is a time for harvesting the rewards of past labors. winter is the season of dormancy and closure. each season has its own unique beauty and makes a significant contribution to life.

just as God planned seasons in nature, he planned seasons in life as well. life has its springtime, when we begin new and we work diligently in the heat of the day at all that God begun at an earlier time in our lives. winter brings hardship, but we remain hopeful, for another spring is just around the corner.

in God's perfect design for our lives, he has planned for times of fruitfulness and activity. he will also build in times of quiet and rest. there will be times when he asks us to remain faithful doing the same work day after day. but there will also be periods of excitement and new beginnings. by God's grace, we will also overcome the cold winters of heartache and grief, for without winter there would be no spring. just as it is with the seasons of nature, these seasons in our lives work together to bring about God's perfect will for each one of us.

taken from: experiencing god day by day by henry t. blackaby and richard blackaby

• Things have been so crazy in my life lately. God has been directing me and calling me into a new season in my life. Inch by inch and day by day he has been revealing this to me. It is so interesting how he works things out.
• All of my life I have had the passion and dream of being an elementary school teacher. 7 years ago God told me no. This wasn't something that God had planned for my life. Instead he started to call me into full time church ministry. WHAT?! Man that is the craziest thing that I had ever heard or even thought of! Well it just goes to show that over time God's desires truely become our desires. After college I was led to Portsmouth First. Now my season and time is up here in Portsmouth.
• God is allowing me to have my desire to be a teacher!! I will be going back home, live with the parents and get a job..
• Along with the fear or moving on to the unknown, I now have to struggle with the thought of leaving the people in Portsmouth that I have grown to love. Knowing though that this isn't goodbye it is see you later. My last day at the church is the 19th of April and my last day in P-town is the 20th of April.

To all my PFNAZZERS...I love you, will miss and will never forget the impact that you all made on my life.

Me...

Me...for...FREE!

I'm Free To Be Me!

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream

A war's already waged for my destiny

But You've already won the battle

And You've got great plans for me

Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

Got a couple rips in my jeans

Try to fit the pieces together

But perfection is my enemy

On my own I'm so clumsy

But on Your shoulders I can see I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out

See My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow

But things don't always come that easy

And sometimes I would doubt

Ohhhhh

(Chorus)

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

Got a couple rips in my jeans

Try to fit the pieces together

But perfection is my enemy

On my one I'm so clumsy

But on your shoulders I can see I'm free to be me

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything

Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring

But You look at my heart and You tell me

That I've got all You seek Ohhhh And it’s easy to believe

Even though

(Chorus)

I got a couple dents in my fender

Got a couple rips in my jeans

Try to fit the pieces together

But perfection is my enemy

On my own I'm so clumsy

But on your shoulders I can see

I got a couple dents in my fender

Got a couple rips in my jeans

Try to fit the pieces together

But perfection is my enemy

On my own I'm so clumsy

But on your shoulders I can see I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

Words and Music by:

Francesca Battistelli

• This is by far...my new favorite song right now! The words are so true. When you buy a brand new car everything is perfect, a perfect fender, perfect doors, perfect seats, perfect smell...perfect everything. When you buy a new pair of jeans you think perfection! Hopefully the fit is perfect, the look is perfect, there are no stains and no rips. But after so long both of these things get ran through the mill. You get into a fender bender or you wear your new pair of jeans so much that they begin to thin out and eventually rip. Such is life. The longer you stick around here on Earth the more ran down you become. We try to stop this process thinking that we can become perfect...or like me...I never want to show my flaws. I never want people to know what I am going through...because to me it makes it so much easier. In reality though it makes it harder on myself. I have to realize that I am FREE to be me! Jesus already paid the price and he sealed it in the blood of the lamb!