-August...My I get to be one year older month...yahoo...notice the sarcasm. In 2010 on the day of my birth I was away from my father as it fell on a Sunday...my dad taught Sunday School and had a small group that night that he was the leader of. So we were apart. Dad wasn't much for birthday's and to be honest with you...neither am I. August 8, 2010 was a day that I won't forget because my dad sent me the best email ever...
Hey youngest daughter of mine,
Just want you to know how much I love you although I really can't tell you because English is just not that complete. There are no words to give you and there are no words to tell God how thankful I am for His faithfulness to you. Sunday you celebrate another year of development and what a year it has been and what a development. Again, I blame God knowing that all good things come from above. Isn't it great that we can blame Him for all good things? But Sunday will also be challenging because we are apart...not in spirit....but in person. I'm sure we would come to you if it were not Life Group night. I have never liked the days we are apart and even yet they are still hard to accept but it is part of maturity. Isn't it odd that we never get too mature to mature? God just bangs on our heart and asks, "Can you give just a little bit more?" It's an amazing life and I don't know how much more of it is left but know this, I will love you to the end. This month is going to be one of the hardest that we have had for awhile but God makes the difference. Trusting Him in the lonely hours and the trials of this life. There may be more to come but God is with us as He is with you. Therefore, I will trust Him to make your special day a happy one. When we are together again I will be able to say, Happy Birthday in person and ........ that was a happy day. I really thought that after Kim was born we should have only one kid but that wasn't a good plan and God knew it so He just kept on giving us special gifts....and one that I have lived the rest of my life to see again. That has all been of God and we have tried our best to give you all back to God for His purpose....hard to let go but for no better cause....it just seemed too early for Robert Paul.
Have a great day in the Lord Sunday and know that it is because of the Lord you are with us and with them.
*One thing I do want to hit on is if you notice in the email he mentioned a boy named Robert Paul. My mother lost a little boy in utero at 7 months...
August 8, 2011 rolled around and this is the email that I read that day... I am not going to lie... I went to my inbox and pretended like he had just sent me the email that day. In those quiet, still moments...I realized I am never going to receive another email from him again. I had to face the reality...that he was gone...and so were his emails.
-September...You were a somber...sad month...I wanted to feel happy... but something inside of me couldn't...I tried to find joy but it was hidden...hidden in a sea of tears...a sea of loneliness and a sea of un-forgiveness. I tried to be happy for Derek and Eryns wedding that was approaching next month...I tried to be excited for a new ministry that was starting up for the kids...I tried to be happy that a retreat with some great ladies was approaching...but I was stuck...in sorrow...in pain...in grief. You were also a month of Robert Paul's birthday...a brother I never met. This year you turned I believe 31... On your birthday I imagined dad and you in Heaven celebrating together...for the first time ever! A part of me was a little jealous that you got to celebrate your day with him...but to be honest with you when I got rid of my selfishness...a light shined through...I had 26 birthday's with my dad...you had none...and here you are after 30 some years FINALLY celebrating your day! I hope you loved it!
-October...You were busy...busy is good. You helped me keep my mind off of November and December as both of these months will hold a lot of firsts. I guess you could say that the emotion that I felt during the month of October was anticipation and eagerness... I was eager to get through the next 2 months! October there really isn't much to say about you...
-November...the month my father celebrated another year of life...also Turkey Day month. Like I said before dad wasn't really much for birthdays...but not being able to text him/call him and tell him happy birthday and that I am so happy that I got to have another year with him was not okay with me. If I would have known this...I would have hugged you more on your birthday last year. I would have told you a thousand times that I loved you...and that you were the best dad ever! Thanksgiving was even worse...you not there...was not fair! This month I felt so weak...about to break...fall apart and crumble beneath my own feet.
-December...A month that normally for the Cable clan would be full of joy...excitement...and energy... you December are one of my favorite months...but him not being here for Ethan's birthday on the 1st wasn't okay with me...a little boy...first birthday without his papa...It wasn't okay with me that mom and you, dad, would have been married 40 years on the 18th...she celebrated without you...that isn't fair... and Christmas...our first family vacation that we were planning went planned without you. I am not okay with this...I actually hate this...it isn't fair and I don't care who knows... but really what is fair?...Is it fair that Jesus had to go through the pain, persecution, hate, belittlement and pain that he did. Is it fair that God had to grieve his son while he looked down on him hanging from the cross with his blood dripping into a stream of red...Really so what is fair? Is it fair that I continue to fail you everyday because I am human yet you still love me...still want me...Is it fair that the world around us is full of hate...sin...and filth...yet you still love us... forgive us for we know not what we do. When you think about how bad you have it...someone out there has it worse than you...is that fair?...
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